[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
You Might Also Like
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
the #horror is real!
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”