im getting some exciting spam emails lately
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Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address