most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
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Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
(yawn)
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.