This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
You Might Also Like
the short answer to this question
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.