Good point.
You Might Also Like
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
mentally somewhere in italy
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.