Print is alive and well!!!
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Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry