Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
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Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.