I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
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When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
This is sending me to another galaxy
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
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