“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
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My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
The two types of wives
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive