[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
You Might Also Like
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in