The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
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As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this