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“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.