You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
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[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Sorry I made promises on Friday
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Watson was Holmes schooled
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”