the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
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Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
meanwhile over on facebook
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
A short story about romance.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows