My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
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Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
this is so top tier i cant
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.