Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
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me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
#SaturdayBears
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.