Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
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“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
another case of gang violins
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing