I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
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so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Duck typos.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
R.I.P.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.