4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
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You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.