If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
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This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
Ironic
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea