I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
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After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive