My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
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Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.