[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
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I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.