Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
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Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
I’m Sold!
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
How to draw a duck
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.