Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
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every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi