I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
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men, we mow at sunrise.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?