My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
You Might Also Like
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked