Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
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[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake