God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
You Might Also Like
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Why soy sad?
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone