1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
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I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.