“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
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*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
scrabbled eggs
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?