Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
You Might Also Like
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*