Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
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Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
real