Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
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I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
I think I’ll stand
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Received some very disappointing news today
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!