One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
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What is going on? 😅
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Friday night party time 🥳
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
man i love columbo
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya