Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
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I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.