I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
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ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
This is my emotional support knife.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Jokes on them. I took 10.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.