I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
You Might Also Like
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain