I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
You Might Also Like
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.