*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
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Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way