4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
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I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.