“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
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[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
and this one
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Breakfast for Stoners:
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Welcome
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Scream sneezers need love too.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question