You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
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BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
I’ve been drinking.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.