My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
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[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Support your local cemetery
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class