WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
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I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
*pronounces surface like Versace*
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time