Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
You Might Also Like
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
it was a valiant fight
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.