Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
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[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee