[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
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What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Body by sandwich.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.