How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
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That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother