“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
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My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one